The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
