fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
