What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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