Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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