I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
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Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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