Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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