Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
