She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
