My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
