So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
