theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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