when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
