I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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