Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
