Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He better not be in your backpack
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
