I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
