I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
