I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
