did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
