I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
