saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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