I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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