I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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