And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
