mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
