it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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