I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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