I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
