Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
