Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
