SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
