Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
