Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Two words: nipple clamps
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