he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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