Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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