How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
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Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
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I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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