Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
