U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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