i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
