Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
