god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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