I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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