Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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