My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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