I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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