she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
