I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
