I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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