good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
