I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was not drunk enough for that final.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
