I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
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Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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