Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
