i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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