If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
