the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I will pee on everything he values.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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