I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
