He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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