Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
