Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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