I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
